You learn something new every day.

2007-10-11T12:56:00.000-06:00

"When God saw that many men were lazy, and gave
themselves only with difficulty to spiritual reading,
He wished to make it easy for them, and added the melody
to the Prophet's words, that all being rejoiced by the charm
of the music, should sing hymns to Him with gladness."

St. John Chrysostom

2007-10-08T19:12:00.000-06:00

"The composer...joins Heaven and Earth with threads of sound."

--Alan Hovhaness

Romans 5:6

2007-10-03T17:36:00.000-06:00

"For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly."

Shout out to my Moho's

2007-09-11T18:04:00.001-06:00

I think you've all gathered that there is a very special place in my heart for my Moho's. Mostly because you all are so good-looking and good-smelling...Just kidding. That's not why. I guess I just really admire all of you; you're my friends and you've taught me so many things. I just adore you.

Sitting in the Matis' home, I couldn't help but think how amazing you all are. My eyes teared up for a second because I could feel the incredible love the Savior has for you. He loves you so much. Don't you ever think you aren't good enough. Don't ever think there is something wrong with you. Don't ever let a heartless comment deter you from feeling the Savior's love, because I know he loves you.

There are lots of choices that have to be made, or that have been made. Some go for mixed-orientation marriages. Some remain single. Some choose to find a gay partner. Just know that no matter what you choose, you are good enough. No matter what you choose, the Savior loves you. And so do I.

I love you guys (and gal, in Samantha's case). I hope you know how glad I am to have you in my life; it's truly been a blessing. Muah.

Attraction

2007-08-29T17:59:00.000-06:00

While having lunch with Brady today, I was telling him about a boy. This guy had really liked me, and although I loved spending time with him, I hadn't felt that I was attracted to him. I told the boy this, explaining that as much as I enjoyed our friendship I was afraid that taking things further might be a mistake because I lacked romantic feelings for him. Then Brady posed the question, "Is attraction really important?" He pointed out that that's a question most Moho's have to ask.

It got me thinking. In the context of a mixed-orientation relationship, I would have to argue that attraction is not the most important thing. Obviously, one of the partners will not be attracted to the other, and yet it's possible to have a lasting relationship under those conditions.

But what about in the context of a same-orientation relationship? I'm straight, and the guy who liked me was straight. So attraction is possible; does that make it a requirement for a romantic relationship? I've always thought so. But this situation makes me wonder. I really enjoyed spending time with this boy. We liked a lot of the same things, we never ran out of things to talk about, and I never got sick of having him around. Being in a relationship really would only have added physical elements to our friendship, which I didn't mind.

So why did I say no? Because I didn't want to hurt him. I knew it was possible that I could develop an attraction to him, but the opposite was also possible.

But why was it so important? If I enjoyed being with him, if we got along on a very deep level, why should physical attraction be such an important element? It just makes me wonder.

In the end, I did become attracted to him, but it was sort of too late. I don't think I regret my decision to say no--I was trying to do what was best for our friendship--but I wonder what I will do should a similar situation arise.

Just interesting to think about I suppose.

Another book recommendation

2007-08-22T17:42:00.000-06:00

Lance Armstrong's It's Not About the Bike. Overall a very interesting, well-written, and inspirational book, but the closing line made me want to puke. I still would recommend it; unfortunately I don't own it so I can't lend it to any of you. You're on your own.

Of the finer things

2007-08-22T17:01:00.000-06:00

It's time for me to stop complaining about boys. I'm so over all of it. There are just way too many good-looking guys in Provo for me to be sulking about one that just didn't happen to work out. Plus things have been patched up with him, yada yada yada, life is normal again.

Plus, I've been wanting to post some more quotes from Cry, the Beloved Country. It's a fantastic novel and I'd be happy to lend it to any of you.

pp 110-11:

We do not know, we do not know. We shall live from day to day, and put more locks on the doors, and get a fine fierce dog when the fine fierce bitch next door has pups, and hold on to our handbags more tenaciously; and the beauty of the trees by night, and the raptures of lovers under the stars, these things we shall forego. We shall forego the coming home drunken through the midnight streets, and the evening walk over the star-lit veld. We shall be careful, and knock this off our lives, and knock that off our lives, and hedge ourselves about with safety and precaution. And our lives will shrink, but they shall be the lives of superior beings; and we shall live with fear, but at least it will not be a fear of the unknown. And the conscience shall be thrust down; the light of life shall not be extinguished, but be put under a bushel, to be preserved for a generation that will live by it again, in some day not yet come; and how it will come, and when it will come, we shall not think about at all.

p 110:

Cry, the beloved country, for the unborn child that is the inheritor of our fear. Let him not love the earth too deeply. Let him not laugh too gladly when the water runs through his fingers, nor stand too silent when the setting sun makes red the veld with fire. Let him not be too moved when the birds of his land are singing, nor give too much of his heart to a mountain or a valley. For fear will rob him of all if he gives too much.

p 142:

He helped the old man to his feet, and gave him his hat. And when Kumalo would have thanked him, he said, we do what is in us, and why it is in us, that is also a secret. It is Christ in us, crying that men may be succored and forgiven, even when He Himself is forsaken.

p 257:

There are women of the church sitting on the red earth under the lamp...They rise when the party approaches, and one breaks into a hymn, with a high note that cannot be sustained; but others come in underneath it, and support and sustain it, and some men come in too, with deep notes and the true...It is a hymn of thanksgiving, and a man remembers God in it...And it is sung in love and humility and gratitude, and the humble simple people pour their lives into the song.

p 261:

I have never thought that a Christian would be free from suffering, umfundisi [pastor]. For our Lord suffered. And I come to believe that he suffered, not to save us from suffering, but to teach us how to bear suffering. For he knew that there is no life without suffering.

p 312:

Yes, it is the dawn that has come. The titihoya wakes from sleep, and goes about its work of forlorn crying. The sun tips with light the mountains of Ingeli and East Griqualand. The great valley of the Umzimkulu is still in darkness, but the light will come there. Ndotsheni is still in darkness, but the light will come there also. For it is the dawn that has come, as it has come for a thousand centuries, never failing. But when that dawn will come, of our emancipation, from the fear of bondage and the bondage of fear, why, that is a secret.

Not impressed anymore

2007-08-06T18:38:00.001-06:00

Well that lasted all of...what, two weeks? If even that long. Once again, boys suck.

Thoroughly impressed

2007-07-17T22:49:00.000-06:00

Perhaps straight boys bite.

But there is at least one who can go from making me upset enough to blog about to making me incredibly happy in less than 24 hours, more than completely redeeming himself.

Quote of the Week

2007-07-16T23:19:00.000-06:00

"Careful---straight boys bite."
~AtP

I laughed when he said it. Right now I'm having trouble finding the humor in it.

Stupid boys.

Just thinking. Don't mean to sound preachy, but if I do, oh well. It's my blog.

2007-06-28T19:50:00.000-06:00

A while ago, I met a wonderful person--a person that loved God and loved the Church very much. He was one of those people you could tell was a good person just by being around him.
A few weeks after I met him, he decided to leave the state and leave the Church.

I was quite surprised and very sad to hear that. I suggested to a Mutual Friend that abandoning the Gospel at a time he needs it most didn't make sense to me. Mutual Friend quickly corrected me--this person wasn't leaving the Gospel, he was leaving the Church, the organizational aspect of the Gospel. He had a good point, and I couldn't help but think about it.

He was right of course--the Gospel of Christ and the Church of Christ are two completely different things. But they are related, even intertwined. As members though, I think people we often focus too much on the Church and forget the importance of the Gospel. I know I'm guilty of it--I go to church and do my calling but my heart isn't always in it.

But is it possible to focus too much on the Gospel and not enough on the Church? I don't think there's such a thing as focusing "too much" on the Gospel...Perhaps I should ask a different question: Is it possible to fully live the Gospel without the Church organization standing behind it? At first I wanted to say yes, that the Church was instituted for us as imperfect beings, that the Gospel is perfect enough to stand alone, and that it would stand alone if we could but live it.

But then I kept thinking. The basic elements of living the Gospel--loving God, loving your neighbor, service, prayer, repentance, scripture study, etc.--could (and do) certainly exist without an organization. But what about ordinances like temple work, the Sacrament, or baptism? What about modern revelation? What about the Priesthood?

I can't help but think of incredible number of commandments regarding ordinances and the Priesthood. And without the Church, none of it could happen. Sure, we could get to heaven without Sunday School. Maybe we could make it without confiding in a bishop. Perhaps we don't really need to go to Seminary or Insitute. But we need baptism. We need temples. We need Priesthood-holders.

It's amazing how the Gospel and the Church are so intertwined. Taking away one greatly takes away from the other. But just think of them together--a Church and a Gospel with everything you could ever want and ever need. Lead by prophets of God, a world-wide organization that I'm proud to be a part of. It's wonderful to travel to a different state or country and find that the Gospel doesn't change because we're all on the same page. And no, the Church isn't perfect because it is run by imperfect people, and I can't say I love everything the General Authorities say, but no one can tell me that it's not an incredible organization.

Still, for one reason or another, people choose to leave. And I respect that--life's tough, and we all have our agency. It certainly makes me sad to see people go, but I'll wish you luck and love you anyway.

Maybe that last post was a little dramatic.

2007-06-12T23:47:00.000-06:00

There must be quite a few things a hot bath won't cure, but I don't know many of them. Whenever I'm sad I'm going to die, or so nervous I can't sleep, or in love with somebody I won't be seeing for a week, I slump down just so far and then I say: "I'll go take a hot bath."

I meditate in the bath. The water needs to be very hot, so hot you can barely stand putting your foot in it. Then you lower yourself, inch by inch, till the water's up to your neck...

I never feel so much myself as when I'm in a hot bath.

I lay in that tub on the seventeenth floor of this hotel for-women-only, high up over the jazz and push of New York, for near onto an hour, and I felt myself gowing pure again. I don't believe in baptism or the waters of Jordan or anything like that, but I guess I feel about a hot bath the same way those religious people feel about holy water...

The longer I lay there in the clear hot water the purer I felt, and when I stepped out at last and wrapped myself in one of the big, soft white hotel towels I felt pure and sweet as a new baby.

from The Bell Jar, by Sylvia Plath

I don't understand why things happen.

2007-06-11T00:09:00.000-06:00

I messed up. I have no idea what I'm doing. I want to go home.

I'm in love with reading

2007-06-03T20:10:00.000-06:00

All Nature is but Art, unkown to thee;
All Chance, Direction, which thou canst not see;
All Discord, Harmony, not understood;
All partial Evil, universal Good:
And, spite of Pride, in erring Reason's spite,
One truth is clear, 'Whatever is, is RIGHT.'

From Alexander Pope's Essay on Man, Epistle 1

To--
Music, when soft voices die,
Vibrates in the memory;
Odors, when sweet violets sicken,
Live within the sense they quicken.
Rose leaves, when the rose is dead,
Are heaped for the beloved's bed;
And so they thoughts, when thou art gone,
Love itself shall slumber on.

Percy Bysshe Shelley

Excerpts from "Cry, the Beloved Country" by Alan Paton

2007-06-03T19:56:00.000-06:00

p. 71:

He stood as though he was testing his exposition. Yes, that is right about power, he said. But there is only one thing that has power completely, and that is love. Because when a man loves, he seeks no power, and therefore he has power. I see only one hope for our country, and that is when white men and black men, desiring neither power nor money, but desiring only the good of their country, come together to work for it.

He was grave and silent, and then he said sombrely, I have one great fear in my heart, that one day when they are turned to loving, they will find we are turned to hating.

p. 94:

Who indeed knows the secret of the earthly pilgrimage? Who knows for what we live, and struggle, and die? Who knows what keeps us living and struggling, while all things break about us? Who knows why the warm flesh of a child is such comfort, when one's own child is lost and cannot be recovered? Wise men write many books, in words too hard to understand. But this, the purpose of our lives, the end of all our struggle, is beyond all human wisdom. Oh God, my God, do not Thou forsake me. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, if Thou art with me...

"I just did something involuntary. And messy."

2007-05-08T21:14:00.000-06:00

(Ice Age 2, by the way)

I've mentioned before that I'm afraid of confrontation. Any confrontation.

I don't know why. But I'm really afraid of talking to people in person about how I feel. I can blog about it. I can chat online about it. On rare occasions I can even talk about it over the phone. But in person? I'm terrified.

I tried to figure out why I'm conditioned to be afraid of this, and how I got this way, but I kept drawing blanks. I got nothing.

There's been something I've wanted to talk to a friend about. But I've been incredibly scared. Finally I made a commitment today--I told him there was something I wanted to talk to him about, and that I wanted to do it in person. I'm still shocked I even got that far. Presently, I'm very nervous. There is no reason to be nervous about talking this person. And yet, I'm all quivery.

I just keep telling myself that the more I do it, the better it will get. I really hope I'm right.

In the mean time, I will study to distract myself.

He likes me

2007-04-17T15:13:00.000-06:00

Today was my last class for "The Bible as Literature." I thought it was appropriate of Professor Walker to end with us talking about the Gospels and the life of the Savior.

I was thinking about Samantha's post on being emotionally intimate and how I am afraid to share my weaknesses with others. I want people to think that I'm strong, that I'm funny, that I'm smart, that I'm confident, that I'm knowledgeable, etc. Part of that, I think, is that I'm afraid if people see my weaknesses they won't like me as much, or at all. I know that's silly, but it's true. So when Professor Walker shared the following experience with us I realized how emotionally intimate we are with the Savior--whether we like it or not.

He said it was during the most difficult time of his life. One night, he had a dream. He dreamed that he walked into the Church offices in Salt Lake, and barged right into the Christ's office. Here he was, storming through the doors of the office of the Savior of the World without an appointment. Jesus was there, talking with his secretary, and looked up at Professor Walker. "Those eyes," he told us, "were like nothing I had ever seen. He knew me, and what's more he liked me. He knew all of the secrets, all of the sleez and filth that I'm ashamed to even think of, and yet he liked me. He liked me more than anyone else had ever liked me--more than my mother, more than my wife--He loved me."

And that made me think--Christ knows me. I can hide all of my weaknesses from everyone else, but he knows them. And he still likes me! He still loves me more than anything. He really will be my advocate at the last day--when I'm ashamed of the things I did wrong, he'll be there to point out the things I did right.

Maybe we are better than we think.

self therapy

2007-04-08T08:42:00.000-06:00

I don't have very much faith in my friends. It's really sad, and sort of pathetic actually.

If you are my friend, I will believe it as long as we are in contact very often. I expect my friends to call/email/contact me in some way without me instigating it. If they don't--if I am the only doing all the work, or if neither of us is doing any work--I fear that they aren't my friends. I honestly let myself believe that I was annoying enough to make them run away.

It's stupid really. I let myself think someone isn't my friend anymore because they don't call me. And then they call and I feel really dumb and do the whole facepalm+"d'oh!!" thing. I never learn.

And it happens with almost everyone. There are only a few people with whom it doesn't happen, and I have no idea why.

This certainly doesn't mean you all should call me more often so that I feel like I have friends. What this means is that I need to have a little more faith in others and in myself.

*sigh*

One of those days

2007-04-02T16:56:00.000-06:00

This is really long. It could be boring.

I started feeling incredibly lonely at school today. I had no idea why. I wanted a friend so bad. Someone to realize I wasn't okay and that I needed a hug. I wanted a hug from the Native so bad--his hugs are amazing.

I quietly ate my lunch, and stared into my frozen lemonade as I slowly finished it. I posted on my private blog and nearly started crying right there in the Wilk, but was able to refrain.
Writing on my private blog helped me realize part of why I feel lonely. On Saturday I asked the Masseuse why he never calls us, and he said it's because he's an "introvert." He said he will hang out with people when they call, but he'd just as soon stay home by himself than call someone to hang out. And that really ticked me off. Why?

Well, back in the day when I was "dating" Austin, I was the one that made the weekly phone calls. When I came to Utah to visit, I was the one that planned our date together. And I was the one that called him on Valentine's Day. When I realized I was pulling all the weight in the relationship, I got really scared. What would happen if I stopped? Would he even make an effort to salvage our relationship? Did he even care?

I finally stopped calling him. And since then I haven't heard from him once. It was crushing at first--that I wasn't worth being in a relationship with. That he didn't even care about me. That he could let it go so easily. I felt so worthless, like there was something wrong with me; like no one would ever want to be in any form of relationship with me.

And so, even though I know the Masseuse enjoys being my friend, I couldn't help but wonder if he too would even put effort into our friendship if I stopped doing my part. And I wondered about PaperTowel as well. And I thought about other people that used to be my friends, and about how I've never managed to have a real boyfriend. And I suddenly felt worthless again, like I have some character flaw that is invisible only to me.

Obviously this is irrational thinking. I have a lot of friends who call me frequently to hang out, and who would be there for me in an instant had I the courage to ask. But no matter how much I told myself that, all I wanted was to be alone because human contact might result in me getting hurt. I was lonely and I wanted to be alone! What is that?!?!

I didn't want to go home, but I did anyway. For some reason I avoided my room. I made brownies and did some ironing. Da Jet could tell something was up, and asked me if I was okay. I just said something lame like it was a long day. I didn't want to talk to her about it.

What the heck is wrong with me? Why do I pretend like everything is okay? Why can't I ever open up to people? Da Jet would listen and would hold me while I cried, I know she would! She would give me a hug and would make me laugh. But I still can't do it!

The reason? I'm too effing embarrassed to let people see me cry. And I'm too embarrassed to explain to someone that I have trouble believing that anyone actually loves me. I'm afraid that they will see how weak I really am. In fact, not even the Native has seen me cry. He's the only one I've ever cried to online or over the phone, but he's also one of the only people I always believe when he says he loves me.

I don't know why I have so much trouble opening up to people. I have plenty of good friends I could go to for comfort, and yet I'm too embarrassed. What kind of a friend am I? I can't even trust them enough to talk to them! Why can't I just let people help me for once in my life?

And at the same time, this could just be because the gnomes have come for their monthly invasion.

Someone smack me.

Lately

2007-04-01T00:42:00.000-06:00

Lately I've been having random bouts of loneliness. I don't know if it's the whole BYU atmosphere, if it's just that I really miss the Native, or if I've reached that point in my life where my body is telling me I need a companion.

Does that even make sense?

I mean, I don't even believe in the whole "M-R-S" degree garbage. And I'm not even dating the Native--he's just my best friend. And who knows what my subconscious mind is doing. I have never been able to figure that one out.

So what is wrong with me? After "dating" (ahem, that was a total farce) Austin two years ago, I promised myself I would never rely on a man for happiness. I decided I could be happy with just myself. And it worked for a long time. I actual reveled in being single. Until.

The Native. But that didn't last long. Once he told me he is gay I knew we would just be friends, and I was fine with that. And so we are just friends. And I went back to being happy and satisfied with single life.

I guess it was different then though. Because the Native and I haven't dated, but I feel like our relationship is a lot more than dating would ever be. We are closer than that. Does that make sense? I rely on him, and he relies on me. He can read me like an open book, be it on the phone, over instant-messaging, or even via text. He knows how to make me smile and laugh. I love him to death. But we are just friends.

Out here in Provo, as I am on the lookout for a man who is boyfriend material (and is straight), I'm always disappointed. Maybe it's because I'm looking for someone who can give me what the Native gives me--a real relationship--one where physical attraction is merely a bonus if it's present at all (which in our case, it isn't). Basically, I want a man who can give me a friendship like the one I have with the Native, but who also happens to be an attractive straight man who is attracted to me.

Does such a man exist? I don't know. But with every passing day I become more and more convinced that gay men would make the best husbands. Too bad they aren't attracted to me. That's more than slightly problematic.

I don't know. I have a few straight guy friends that I find to be quite attractive (in personality as well as looks), but they just disappoint me. Why? They will make some distasteful comment and completely turn me off. Or they won't call me to hang out. Or they will seem interested one day and then not interested the next. Truth be told--I DON'T GET MEN. I don't get them in that I don't understand them, and I don't get them in that I don't have one, nor have I ever really had one.

This is wherein my frustration lies. I want a freaking man. I don't care if he's gay or straight. I want a man to call me, to ask me out on a date, to take me out and at least feign interest. I want to be able to have both deep and pointless conversations with him. I want him to not make guyish moronic comments. I want him to play with my hair and think that I'm hot.

I'm beginning to wonder if this is possible.

In the mean time, I will try to sleep off the loneliness.

It's over

2007-04-01T00:39:00.000-06:00

After some nasty email exchanges, Roommate C and I talked it out. It was pretty quick, and ended with a hug.

She also sent me a really nice email today apologizing for her sarcastic reaction to my letter.

I feel so much better about this situation. I'm really glad we talked to her about it.

Looking back, I would do it again. However, I'm still afraid of confrontation. Even though the situation worked out, it was really rocky.

I guess I'm just a wimp.

This Just In

2007-03-28T15:31:00.000-06:00

She threw out the letter. No one knows if she read it or not. It's really a shame because I wrote some really nice things in that letter. It's also a shame because this means she doesn't want to fix things.

What else is there to do? It's in her hands.

Maybe she just likes being mad. I, however, do not, and I will be the very essence of kindness when she is around.

And I'm still smiling.

Feeling Good

2007-03-28T13:25:00.001-06:00

I've seen Roommate C for probably a total of three minutes in the past two days. I felt like a jerk at first, but I don't anymore. I feel good.

This may sound mean, but her being gone has really taken a lot of tension out of living at our house. Da Jet, Cuorderoy, and I all went to bed very happy and content last night.

I also wrote Roommate C a letter. I don't know if she's read it yet, but when she does, there's not really anything more I can do until she decides she wants to fix things. No more guilt for me.

Furthermore, Roommate C's reaction to the whole situation, her avoidance of us, her storming in and out of rooms not talking to us, is the type of behavior that started this mess in the first place. Thus, her acting like this now only confirms that we were not in the wrong in confronting her about it.

And so, today, despite the snow, I am in a fabulous mood.

Communication

2007-03-27T11:03:00.000-06:00

I obviously have a problem with communication. I'm non-confrontational to the extreme. I'm the kind of person who would rather suck it up, absorb the problem, or just be plain miserable rather than confront anyone about the problem. I'd rather suffer to preserve their feelings.

That's not right! Holy man, what the heck is wrong with me? I should NOT have to miserable just to avoid contention. But I do. I do it all the time. Why? Because I LOATHE confrontation. The awkwardness, the hurt feelings, the loneliness, the anger, the hatred, the misunderstanding. It makes me sick.

Sick enough that I couldn't focus on anything yesterday. Sleeping is my defense mechanism, and rather than catch up on homework, I felt sick enough that I slept from 3:30 until almost 9:00.

One of my roommates has a bit of a temper. Yesterday, Roommate B confronted her about it, saying that we didn't think we should live with her in the fall. Obviously, she didn't take it well, and she seemed to think that none of us care about her and that she was a complete monster. Courderoy and I talked to her, but were unable to convince her that we still liked her. It was just a matter of not having personalities conducive to living together.

Well, she didn't believe us. She left and didn't come home until this morning. Even this morning, she left the room when we came in, and stormed out of the house when she left for work.

THIS IS WHY I HATE CONFRONTING PEOPLE. I don't want this! I don't want to live like this for the rest of the month. Even though I knew the issue needed to be talked about, I feel like a total jerk. And even though I'm relieved that the issue is no longer stifled, I still feel like a jerk. She's so upset! She wants nothing to do with us, and she believes we want nothing to do with her. I tried to explain yesterday that that's not the case, but she didn't believe me. When Cuorderoy said hello to her this morning, she stormed out of the room.

Basically, it's incredibly awkward.

Because she won't talk to me, I wrote her a letter. I apologized and let her know we don't hate her. I also said that it was up to her to let us make this better. She has to decide if she wants to talk to us, because we certainly are willing to talk to her.

If she decides to be stubborn and continue storming in and out of rooms I think I'm going to go crazy. Not to mention it's almost to the point that I'm just pissed off. I mean, obviously she's upset. I'd be upset too if my roommates told me I have an anger problem and it would be better if I didn't live with them in the fall. Anyone would be upset at that. But to completely not talk to us at all and not even want to be in the same room as us? Yeah that's going to help the situation (said with dripping sarcasm).

It's up to her. If she doesn't want to make amends, that's really too bad, and I would really regret it.

This situation certainly doesn't help with my hesitance to confront people.

It's an effing Catch 22. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

2007-02-07T23:43:00.000-07:00

Roommate B started feeling really sick tonight. I asked what I could do to help and she asked me to call the home teachers. I did, and while we waited for them to come I got her into bed and heated up a sock to lessen her headache. She was given a blessing, and I made sure she didn't need anything else before I headed off to bed.

Laying there, I was suddenly sad. I couldn't figure it out at first, but then it came to me. I want someone to come take care of me too.

It's not that I don't want to help people, or that I'm complaining about helping others. I love helping people, and I hope that all my friends would feel comfortable asking me for anything, because I would give it. But something inside of me is craving that same care--I want someone to come tuck me in, make sure I have everything I need, and just hold me or play with my hair until I fall asleep. I want someone to take care of me--to know that sometimes I get tired of life, even though I pretend not to. I just want someone to say to me, sit down, don't worry about anything, I've got it covered.

This isn't a plea for everyone to rush to my aid. I don't even have a need for that kind of care at this moment.

I think I'm just tired, and I want someone to take my tiredness away, or at least carry it with me. Sleep will be good. Tomorrow will be new.

Some inner workings

2007-01-29T22:01:00.000-07:00

So this blog says that it's a "more personal blog" but that hasn't been entirely true. It's really been more serious than personal, and I'd like to change that.

I had this idea over Christmas break to create an anonymous blog that I would tell no one about where I could dump all of my inner workings and dark thoughts. I had it all planned out. But then I started thinking about all the blogs I read. Some of them are casual, but some are incredibly personal. I'm amazed that there are people who are so open. Why can't I be like that?

There are some things about myself that I would like to know more about. There are some things I'd like to change. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I should just post personal things here, on my "personal" blog. Because I have a hard time being very open, this could be good for me. It's worth a try anyway.

So here's the first post:

Yesterday, the Jerman asked me if my parents read my blog. I said no, and that I don't think I would ever want them to. When he asked why not, I had to think about it. Why not indeed.

You see, I've always been very independent of my parents. I rarely asked for help on homework, I got my "Gospel in Action" and "Personal Progress" awards entirely on my own. College applications, audition preparation, scholarship applications--I didn't ask for help. And moving out here wasn't difficult for me at all--I've only been homesick once since August. I've always been capable of my own success, so asking for parental assistance became a last resort for me.

Ironically, they still support me financially (in the back of my head it annoys me that I'm still so dependent on them). The thing is though, with this sense of independence, I developed a tendency towards perfectionism--I don't like anyone, especially my parents, to see any weakness in me.

This is why it's hard for me to be open. This is why I never confide really personal things to my parents. I feel like I should be capable on my own, and if I'm not, then I'm ashamed. I know it's stupid--obviously I can't be perfect, I can't do everything myself, and I should be able to depend on my parents. But what my head tells me and how I actually feel are two completely different things.

Thus I would never want my parents to see my blog. What if I posted something personal? What if they thought my random blogs sounded childish? What if they just didn't understand? I know they love me and support me, but I couldn't bear it if they were ashamed of me, even over something small and pointless. Yes I know that's dumb and that they are proud of me. But still.

I suppose my perfectionism and hesitancy to let anyone see my weaknesses is a manifestation of pride. It really is. And it's something I struggle with. But at the same time, another thing I struggle with is self-esteem. Go figure--pride AND low self-esteem. I'm some kind of wonder.

Really though. Most people wouldn't guess that I have self-esteem issues. I never really thought I did until recently. I'm so confident in some parts of my life; I'm not a quiet person, I do weird things, and I have opinions. I've never hated myself physically either. What I really struggle with is believing that people love me.

Again, I know this is silly. Of course my friends love me. Why would they call me and chat with me and encourage me and hang out with me if they didn't? But sometimes I wonder if I annoy them. I wonder if they are being nice to me just because they are nice people who take pity on me. I lack confidence in some of my relationships--I'm afraid to ask too many questions, or make too many phone calls. I honestly believe that people get sick of me after not too long.

Basically I'm afraid that I love my friends more than they love me. And because I have this fear, I'm made jealous very easily. And over the dumbest things! So then I realize I'm just being stupid, but I don't want anyone to know because that's a weakness. And we're right back where we started.

I'm trying to get better though. I'm trying to do things outside of my comfort zone. I'm trying to confide in people. But I still have a lot of work to do. And I'm easing into talking to my parents. We have a good bond from sharing good experiences, we're just bad at the confidence part of our relationship. But again--I'm working on it.

That doesn't mean I want them to read my blog though.

The Carol Lynn books

2007-01-19T17:48:00.000-07:00

I've sort of neglected this blog. My last post was almost exactly a month ago. And it's not because I didn't have anything to say. On the contrary, I had a lot to say. But I'm not going to post all of it.

What I really wanted to post about is the Carol Lynn Pearson books "Goodbye, I Love You" and "No More Goodbyes."

The first is her story. She tells of her homosexual husband and their experiences. I admit that I cried at the end. It was an amazing story. I recommend it to anyone. Really.

The second book made me really rethink a lot of my opinions. It was very informational, although there was bias on the author's part for obvious reasons. I didn't agree with all of her opinions, nor am I as liberal as she is, but it was good nonetheless. I honestly learned a lot. Some of my opinions were solidified, some I have yet to tie down.

The Native has been most helpful as well. I've been able to ask him very personal questions and have learned a lot from his answers. I'm forever grateful for him, and that he feels comfortable enough to confide in me.

I don't really want to go into detail about the books. I wouldn't even know where to begin. But reading them was a wonderful learning experience. And I'm sure I'll continue to learn.

In the mean time, I love you all, gay or straight. :)

Finals.

2006-12-18T13:38:00.000-07:00

Four down. Two to go.

2 1/2 days until I come home.

Although I have this foreboding feeling that I am going to be going nuts trying to frantically prepare for a harp audition in January. How I do miss my baby.

Why we can't just know everything

2006-12-18T13:32:00.000-07:00

"...It is given unto many to know the mysteries of God; nevertheless they are laid under a strict command that they shall not impart only according to the portion of his word which he doth grant unto the children of men, according to the heed and diligence which they give unto him.

"And therefore, he that will harden his heart, the same receiveth the lesser portion of the work; and he that will not harden his heart, to him is given the greater portion of the word, until it is given unto him to know the mysteries of God until he know them in full.

"And they that will harden their hearts, to them is given the lesser portion of the word until they know nothing concerning his mysteries; and then they are taken captive by the devil..."

Alma 12:9-11

Alma 5:26-28, D&C 122:8

2006-12-11T17:21:00.000-07:00

"And behold, I say unto you, my brethren, if ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now?

"Have ye walked, keeping yourselves blameless before God? Could ye say, if ye were called to die at this time, within yourselves, that ye have been sufficiently humble? That your garments have been cleansed and made white through the blood of Christ...?

"Behold, are ye stripped of pride? I say unto you, if ye are not ye are not prepared to meet God..."

"The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?"

Happiness...

2006-12-08T22:03:00.000-07:00

Life is so FREAKING HARD sometimes. There's school, and family, and church, and friends, and things like SSA, and all sorts of other things that can be so stressful and worrisome and just...tiring. Somedays, you might feel like the luckiest person alive. Other days, you might just want to die.

So what is happiness, really? Is it different for everyone? Can it be acquired? And how?

Here are some of my findings. I won't do too much explaining because I think this is a topic that is open to personal interpretation.

"When considering the kind of experience that makes life better, most people first think that happiness consists of experiencing pleasure: good food, good sex, and all the comforts that money can buy. We imagine traveling to exotic places or being surrounded by interesting company and expensive gadgets...

"What I discovered was that happiness is not something that happens. It is not the result of good fortune or random choice. It is not something that money can buy or power command. It does not depend on outside events, but rather on how we interpret them. Happiness, in fact, is a condition that must be prepared for, cultivated, and defended privately by each person. People who learn to control their inner experience will be able to determine the quality of their lives, which is as close as any of us can come to being happy."
~Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, University of Chicago

"Friendship is a virtue or something with virtue, and besides, it is most necessary to life, for no one would choose to live without friends, though he were to have all other goods."
~Aristotle

Of life challenges, Csikszentmihalyi says:

"None of these experiences may be particularly enjoyable at the time they are taking place, but...we know that we have changed, that our self has grown: in some respect, we have become more complex as a result of it."

"What I call gratification is part and parcel of right action. It cannot be derived from bodily pleasure, nor is it a state that can be chemically induced or attained by shortcuts. It can only be had by an active constant noble purpose."
~Martin Seligman, past president of the American Psychological Association

I hate to quote the HEPE text, because in general I think it is garbage, but I will break my rules for the moment because I liked a bit of what was said in this chapter:

"Appreciating the good events in our past plays a critical role in finding lasting satisfaction. This means being grateful for opportunities and challenges, instead of wishing for things we didn't get...

"Most of us experience some level of dishonesty, injustice, or betrayal in our relationships. We may feel used and abused by others, but the inability to forgive those who we believe have wronged us [or who we KNOW have wronged us] will only make it worse...

"Our view of the future also plays an important role in making a good life. If our past experiences have not met our expectations, it is easy to lose hope and become cynical about our future. If we have been betrayed or mistreated, it is a challenge to have trust in our relationships. If we view our problems as unchangeable, it will be impossible to have hope for the future."

The following is often quoted in the Church. Most people don't know that Joseph Smith wrote this in a letter to Sidney Rigdon's daughter in defense of plural marriage. I won't go much further than that in explanation, but when read in context of difficult and misunderstood principle of plural marriage, this teaching seems even more precious; to me, it shows that all commandments, even when we don't understand them, are for our benefit. It makes me want to be as obedient as Joseph was, to just keep the commandments because doing so really will bring happiness...

"Happiness is the object and design of our existence; and will be the end thereof, if we pursue the path that leads to it; and this path is virtue, uprightness, faithfulness, holiness, and keeping all the commandments of God. But we cannot keep all the commandments without first knowing them, and we cannot expect to know all, or more than we now know unless we comply with or keep those we have already received...

"But in obedience there is joy and peace unspotted, unalloyed; and as God has designed our happiness--and the happiness of all His creatures, he never has--He never will institute an ordinance or give a commandment to His people that is not calculated in its nature to promote that happiness which He has designed, and which will not end in the greatest amount of good and glory to those who become the recipients of his law and ordinances."

"Wherefore, brethren, seek not to counsel the Lord, but to take counsel from his hand. For behold, ye yourselves know that he counseleth in wisdom, and in justice, and in great mercy, over all his works."
~Jacob 4:10

"As I read, the Spirit of the Lord was upon me, and I knew and comprehended that the book was true, as plainly and manifestly as a man comprehends and knows that he exists. My joy was now full, as it were, and I rejoiced sufficiently to more than pay me for all the sorrows, sacrifices, and toils of my life."
~Parley P. Pratt

"Now the joy of Ammon was so great even that he was full; yea, he was swallowed up in the joy of his God, even to the exhausting of his strength; and he fell again to the earth.

"Now was this not exceeding joy? Behold, this is joy which none receiveth save it be the truly penitent and humble seeker or happiness."
~Alma 27:17-18

"And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it."
~Mosiah 2:41

"And now when the people had heard these words, they clapped their hands for joy, and exclaimed: This is the desire of our hearts."
~Mosiah 18:11

Doing better

2006-11-30T10:43:00.000-07:00

Returning to Uta (no h on purpose) meant returning to problems. With renewed strength from my trip home, I came back. That didn't make going to school on Monday very easy though. And with my random neck "injury," I wasn't very happy to be back in Uta.
A dear dear wonderful friend and I had a long chat online Monday night. I was able to talk to him about some things that had been on my mind, and he expressed concerns he had as well. I could tell he really cared. I went away from that conversation a bit more peaceful, and I thought about it for a long time as I lay in bed.
Then, staring at the ceiling, I had a long talk with God. I laid everything out, explained what I was struggling with, what I was worried about. I went into depth, and got all of my thoughts out, and then made a deal with him. I promised I would trust in him and do what he would have me do if he would just give me the strength to keep going and to be happy. I thanked him for my incredibly family and friends and the support they lend me. I thanked him for the wonderfully blessed life that I lead. Feeling lighter and refreshed, I fell asleep.
The past few days have been significantly better. Not that anything wonderful happened. Not that I didn't have any worries or disturbances. But I've just had such a better attitude. I feel confident that everything will be all right. I'm not sure how everything will work out, but I know that it will.
I just need to remember that.

Mosiah 23:21

2006-11-28T11:10:00.000-07:00

"...the Lord seeth fit to chasten his people; yea, he trieth their patience and their faith."

"Patience is tied very closely to faith in our Heavenly Father. Actually, when we are unduly impatient, we are suggesting that we know what is best--better than does God. Or, at least, we are asserting that our timetable is better than his. Either way we are questioning the reality of God's omniscience, as if, as some seem to believe, God were on some sort of postdoctoral fellowship...

"We read in Mosiah about how the Lord simultaneously tries the patience of his people even as he tries their faith. One is not only to endure--but to endure well and gracefully those things which the Lord 'seeth fit to inflict upon [us],' just as did a group of ancient American Saints who were bearing unusual burdens but submitted 'cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.'

"The Lord has twice said: 'And seek the face of the Lord always, that in patience ye may possess your souls, and ye shall have eternal life.' Could it be that only when our self-control has become total do we come into true possession or our own souls?"

Elder Neal A. Maxwell

2006-11-20T23:43:00.000-07:00

Why?!?!

Gaylic...

2006-11-15T12:58:00.000-07:00

...is amazing. AtP taught me a few things.
Hilarious. I love it.

Experience #1

2006-11-01T21:12:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, yesterday President Hinckley shared a few of his life experiences that he has always remembered and cherished. He encouraged all of us to write down meaningful experiences we've had in our own lives. Not enough time or brain power to do it all at once, but I have time for one.

Last night, around 2 am, Roommate A and I had a long conversation about SSA. Our conversation continued today. We shared the thoughts we had had about gay people before we had known any gay members of the Church. Neither of us really understood why people were gay, but both of us had had gay friends. We sort of just loved them who they were but didn't agree with or understand their lifestyle.

We also talked about gay marriage. We have some common friends--a gay couple--who we love dearly. I remember when they broke up how sad we were. Recently they got back together and all seemed right with the world. Why wouldn't we want them to the have the opportunity to get married? Living in California, close to SF, most people were for gay marriage. In history and government classes we never really knew which side we were on. Gay marriage seemed so logical, but we knew the Church was against it. The Church told us gay marriage is wrong, but logically it makes so much sense.

Then we learned about SSA in the Church through a friend. It was hard to understand at first--how could a member of the Church be gay? In the past [almost] year, we've learned more about how people could experience SSA but still be a good member of the Church. And now most of our friends are gay, and we love it. SSA isn't talked about a lot in the Church, which is unfortunate. But it's gradually getting better, and hopefully will continue to do so.

We came back to gay marriage with this new understanding of SSA and decided that it's just one of those things that are HARD. Marriage is between a man and a woman only. It sounds so harsh to just tell people, I'm sorry, you can't get married to the person you love. But that's what the Lord has told us. Even though gay marriage logically makes sense, eternally it doesn't. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways." (Isaiah 55:8) It's so sad for me to think that some of my dearest friends won't be able to get married in this life. I really admire their strenght; it's far greater than my own.

Our conversation continued on today and we talked about gay people we know and love and how they've made our lives better. It was one of those really meaningful conversations that I will probably think about for a long time.

Sorry if I offended anyone. The conversation more of an exploration of our thoughts and ideas and I wasn't trying to be opinionated by posting it. I'm still learning. Love to all. I'm tired. Goodnight.

Mondays...

2006-10-30T18:48:00.000-07:00

...usually suck. I usually come home from class, put off homework, spend way too much time on the net, and reflect on the weekend.

Not today. Today AtP took the Jerman and I to Salt Lake so I could do an assignment for my Church History class. One amazing lunch and a visit to the art museum later, we spent the day driving around Salt Lake and asking each other random questions.

For me, it was amazing. I'm so content right now. I don't know what else to say. Sometimes I have a hard time talking about personal things, but we were all so open with each other. Somehow I felt like I gained something today. Then there was an amazing sunset over the mountains on the way home...Life is beautiful.

I love you guys.

I don't know why...

2006-10-29T14:56:00.000-07:00

...but this stuck out to me.

"And according to his faith there was a mighty change wrought in his heart...

And behold, he preached the word unto your fathers, and a mighty change was also wrought in their hearts, and they humbled themselves and put their trust in the true and living God. And behold, they were faithful until the end; therefore they were saved...

And now behold, I ask of you...have ye experienced this mighty change in your hearts?"

Alma 5:12-14

Forum

2006-10-24T14:20:00.000-06:00

"Learn to love and cherish [your] humanity--however broken, however wretched...Even the most wretched life is worth living before God."

Jean Bethke Elshtain (on C. S. Lewis "The Abolition of Man")

Exhaustion

2006-10-20T11:54:00.000-06:00

I need to do something other than sleep. I have slept way too much in the past two days. That's how I make time pass. That's how I avoid thinking and worrying. That's how I rejuvinate myself after crying. I want to just sleep the rest of the day away. But I shouldn't. I need to do homework but I can't focus. Ugh. It's Friday.

I just get so worried! It drives me crazy to not be able to help my friends when they're in need. You'd think I were the one struggling. Because I do! I struggle with them! I wish I could make them see it will be okay! I wish I could just be there.

But I'm not there. We all have lives. And so I constantly worry about them and constantly pray that maybe today will be better for them. Maybe today they will be happy.

Maybe tomorrow I won't have anything to be worried about.

Ok so I guess I'm posting it anyway...

2006-10-18T09:12:00.000-06:00

Naked Native has convinced me to post my paper anyway. Like I said, I just did what was assigned.

Here it is, yo.

On “Intact Marriages in Which One Partner
Dis-Identifies with Experiences of Same-Sex Attraction: A Follow-Up Study”
Mark A. Yarhouse and Robin L. Seymore

Heterosexual marriages in which one member experiences same-gender attraction have not been extensively studied. In an attempt to gain more knowledge on this subject, Yarhouse and Seymore gathered qualitative information on the experiences of these couples. This is a one-year follow-up study in which 15 couples from the original study completed a questionnaire.
All thirty participants were white, and their ages ranged from 30 to 50. Of those who experienced same-gender attraction, ten were male and five were female. All couples reported attending church (Protestant Christianity) nearly every week, and some attended more than once a week. Two of the couples identified as LDS.

Participants were asked various questions, some of which required rating items on a given scale, and others which involved choosing from a list of answers. Questions included such items as reasons to keep the marriage intact, best things about the marriage, worst things about the marriage, how enjoyable sex is, whether or not partners have had affairs during the marriage, what led up to the affairs, how religion helps the marriage, current degree of happiness, and what the couples expect for the future. There tended to be majority responses, but many participants reported exceptions to their answers, especially on the questions about sexual enjoyment and frequency.

Because the couples in this study were quite similar (in race, religious attendance, culture) the results tended to be fairly regular with all or most couples answering questions in a similar manner. The conclusions drawn from the results of this study may be very useful and highly applicable for other American, white, religious couples. However, these results are quite limited in that they don’t incorporate couples who are of different races, cultures, or religious affiliations. The age range doesn’t include young couples who are just starting off, or older couples who have been together for many years. Thus, the success of these marriages at a younger or older age is unknown. Perhaps further study should be done with other age groups, nationalities, cultures, and religions.

The types of questions that were asked were good general questions that covered basic elements of the marriage. Emphasis was placed on happiness and mutual efforts to maintain a healthy marriage; affairs and the events and feelings leading up to them were also discussed. Participants were allowed to expand and explain their responses, which added to the amount of information gleaned from this study. Religion was only touched upon briefly (perhaps too briefly), though couples indicated that it was a major factor in the success of a marriage. Asking questions about specific beliefs that were helpful to the couples could have been informative.

Parenting, a large part of marriage and family relationships, was not discussed at all. Many questions could have been asked such as, “Have you ever explained the characteristics of your marriage to your children? At what age?” or, “How well do you get along with each other when it comes to disciplining children? What types of problems arise?” Eight of the participants mentioned parenting as one of the most difficult parts of the marriage, yet the study failed to discuss it any further than that.

Another flaw in this study is that it focused on the partner that experienced same-gender attraction. Obviously, this partner is the one who brings an extra “variable” into the marriage, if you will, but it is just as important to understand the other partner. What type of background does he or she bring into the marriage? Has he or she had experiences in the past with people who experience same-gender attraction? What does this partner do to be an understanding spouse? Both partners have to cope with same-gender attraction in his or her own way, and it is important to discuss both sides.

Not only was the research very narrow in its spectrum of culture, religion, and race, but it was also biased toward successful mixed-orientation marriages. This study looks at why some of these marriages work. However, it might be useful to look at why some of these marriages fail. It’s not a very optimistic view, but sometimes things are best defined as what they are not, rather than what they are. Researching unsuccessful mixed-orientation marriages could reveal a lot of information. Furthermore, couples would be able to learn from the mistakes of others.

One other point that this study failed to discuss was whether or not both partners were aware of feelings of same-gender attraction before their marriage. If partners were to discover such attractions later in the marriage, what would happen? Would they cope? Would the marriage fall apart? Such a variable could make a huge difference.

All in all, this study was helpful in gaining information for a specific group of people. It had good basic questions that allowed for full responses. However, because it lacked a broad dynamic range and it failed to discuss some important issues, more research would have to be done to make any broad statements about these wonderfully unique marriages.

by the way....

2006-10-16T22:19:00.000-06:00

I'm reading In Quiet Desperation. Love it thus far. Will post my thoughts at a later date.

Psychology Paper

2006-10-16T21:33:00.000-06:00

So I need to explain something. The assignment for this paper was to choose a research article about something I'm interested in, and then write about the article--brief summary, criticism of methods. That's it. Not much on content or opinion...

I wrote the paper. I followed the directions for the assignment. I don't know if I should post it though...it's sounds cold to me (well i guess it's supposed to) because it just discusses the research methods rather than the topic...I just don't want it to sound like I'm lumping my friends with ssa into a group as if you're just some specimen to be studied. Plus I had to be a neutral third-party member so that I could provide good criticism. That was hard because the whole time my fingers were twittering to type a long opinionated essay about the content of the article rather than method criticism.

You know what I mean?

I picked too good of a topic. :)

Waiting...

2006-10-10T21:27:00.000-06:00

So I ordered "In Quiet Desparation" over a week ago. I was expecting it today. Until I got an email saying they just shipped it YESTERDAY.

Argh. I'm not a fan of waiting.

Ups and Downs

2006-10-07T17:10:00.000-06:00

A bunch of us went to IHOP last night and had a bunch of french toast, and even more laughs. At the end we exchanged digits so we can "play" again in the future. I had a blast, and Attempting the Path was especially entertaining seeing as how he laughed really hard at everything. We're pretty much bff's now.

So I woke up this morning pretty cheerful, and I lazed about, talked to some people, and went to the football game. I left early because we were whomping on SDSU and it was getting boring.

I've been in a wonderful mood since, talking to people and reading. And then I checked my myspace. My friend's dad just passed away and they are having a funeral for him today. How did this happen? A month ago I was saying goodbye to this family as I left for school. I worked with him during the summer. This is going to be really hard on their family, both emotionally and financially.

I was thinking about it, and I suddenly realized how mortal we really are. What if it had been my dad? This man seemed healthy, and just had a heart attack one day. He wasn't even very old.

It really makes me grateful to have a knowledge of the Plan of Salvation, to know that it will be all right and that this life isn't the end. But what about people who don't know that? How are they comforted?

Some Good Links...

2006-10-06T15:12:00.000-06:00

A friend of mine today noticed that I was reading that article from my last blog, and she asked if she could read it. I handed it over and she read it and thought about it and asked my opinion on some things. She then asked if I knew anyone who was LDS who was gay. I responded that I do, and we talked a bit about it. She said that an LDS friend of hers recently told her he was gay, and she was really worried about him because he's having a hard time with it. I talked to her about my experience with learning about SSA and different things I had come across. I gave her a couple of things to read that I thought were very informative and helpful, and I've decided to post them here.

First, the Church has that interview with Dallin H. Oaks and Lance Wickman. I can't say that I enjoyed the entire article, but it's probably the most information on SSA that the Church has published, and it lays out the Church's stance on the matter. It also has some clickable links to other information, which can be helpful. The link to the interview is:

http://www.lds.org/newsroom/issues/answer/0,19491,6056-1-202-4-202,00.html

Next, I read an article that was in the Salt Lake Tribune about an LDS man who is gay and married, and I really liked reading about his experience, as well as the experiences of a few other people. The link is:

http://www.sltrib.com/ci_4136232

The other resource I mentioned to my friend was the book "In Quiet Desparation." I haven't read it yet (the darn US Postal Service is soooo slow!!) but I have heard it is very insightful and quite amazing.

Psychology Assignment

2006-10-03T12:26:00.000-06:00

For a psychology paper, I am supposed to choose a research article on a topic I am interested in and then write about it or something. So I scoured the online articles in the HBLL for something about SSA, being as how I have been reading about it lately.

I ended up choosing an article about "mixed-orientation" marriages. I actually found two articles on this. One study took a sample of religious people whose mixed marriages were successful. A survey was distributed that evaluated different aspects of the marriage--what was good, what was bad, what was difficult, what kinds of problems and successes there were, etc. The other article discussed why mixed marriages were unsuccessful. I didn't like this article because there were way too many variables (not all parties in the marriage were aware of same-sex attraction, bad motives for getting married, etc.) and it studied mostly non-religious couples. Seeing as how I am religious, and that I'm an optimist, I was more interested in the religious aspect of the subject and how people could make this situation work.

Overall it was a good article. In general, both partners were happy with their marriage and were hopeful for the future. Some couples indicated extramarital affairs, but for the most part those challenges had passed, and most indicated they were happy with their partners. Couples said that communication was extremely important and that church was a huge support factor for them.

That was it, in a nutshell. I didn't like how they designated the homosexual spouses as "strugglers," and I don't think they went into enough detail on parenting. Also, because so little research has been done in this area, we can't necessarily apply these results to all mixed-orientation couples.

The article was titled: "In Tact Marriages in Which One Partner Dis-Identifies With Experiences of Same Sex Attraction: A Follow-Up Study" by Mark A. Yarhouse and Robin L. Seymore

This is the link to the article in the HBLL, but you will probably need a BYU net ID and password to access it:
http://web.ebscohost.com/ehost/detail?vid=9&hid=105&sid=3e488cc4-5171-4754-8ed8-ebb8fd2be3d1%40sessionmgr102

Adjusting a Paradigm

2006-09-29T16:21:00.000-06:00

A year ago, if someone had told me there were "gay Mormons" I would have thought they were insane. It didn't make sense to me---you couldn't have a Catholic Mormon, and you couldn't have a gay Mormon. Brothers and sisters, I'm here to tell you that there are "gay Mormons" and that they are the most amazing people you will ever meet.

Being a choir kid, I've always had lots of gay friends. But none of them were members of the Church. I wasn't sure if people "were born that way" or if it was a lifestyle they chose, but I didn't really care because they were good people and they were my friends.Then sometime in February, a friend of mine who is a member of the Church told me he was gay. I had a hard time with it at first, not because I didn't want to be his friend or because I loved him any less, but because I just couldn't understand what it means to be a "gay Mormon." He talked to me about it, and I came away with a much better understanding, and a completely shifted paradigm.

Same-sex attraction is something that a lot of members of the Church face. It's not something they choose, it's just a weakness that they have to deal with. We all have imperfections. That's what the Atonement is there for--so that when we succumb to those imperfections and temptations, we can go to the Savior and be healed. And when we don't give in, we are blessed and have the opportunity to progress by partaking of ordinances in the temple.

I think sometimes as members of the Church we are really close-minded about things that we don't understand. We forget that everyone is a son or daughter of our Heavenly Father and that if we are black, white, gay, straight, smart, stupid, or whatever, He loves us all. And we, as brothers and sisters, should love each other. We shouldn't judge people based on their weaknesses. At baptism, we covenanted to "bear one another's burdens," meaning that we should love and support each other.

Since learning about SSA in the Church, I've thought a lot about it and how it affects people. The past few days, especially, I have been reading articles and blogs about "gay Mormons." I've read some articles written by leaders of the Church as well. I love it. I love that there are strong people out there who don't lead a gay lifestyle even though they are gay. I love that they have testimonies of the Gospel and that they live righteously. They set such a good example for the rest of us--that temptation doesn't have to win, that we are in control. I don't personally live with SSA. But I am friends with people who do, and I have read about people who do, and I love them so much. They are the most amazing people I have ever met, and I really admire them. I can't wait to go the the Evergreen Conference next year and meet lots of wonderful people. After all, as a friend of mine likes to say, "We are all homos[apiens]." :)