Some inner workings

So this blog says that it's a "more personal blog" but that hasn't been entirely true. It's really been more serious than personal, and I'd like to change that.

I had this idea over Christmas break to create an anonymous blog that I would tell no one about where I could dump all of my inner workings and dark thoughts. I had it all planned out. But then I started thinking about all the blogs I read. Some of them are casual, but some are incredibly personal. I'm amazed that there are people who are so open. Why can't I be like that?

There are some things about myself that I would like to know more about. There are some things I'd like to change. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I should just post personal things here, on my "personal" blog. Because I have a hard time being very open, this could be good for me. It's worth a try anyway.

So here's the first post:

Yesterday, the Jerman asked me if my parents read my blog. I said no, and that I don't think I would ever want them to. When he asked why not, I had to think about it. Why not indeed.

You see, I've always been very independent of my parents. I rarely asked for help on homework, I got my "Gospel in Action" and "Personal Progress" awards entirely on my own. College applications, audition preparation, scholarship applications--I didn't ask for help. And moving out here wasn't difficult for me at all--I've only been homesick once since August. I've always been capable of my own success, so asking for parental assistance became a last resort for me.

Ironically, they still support me financially (in the back of my head it annoys me that I'm still so dependent on them). The thing is though, with this sense of independence, I developed a tendency towards perfectionism--I don't like anyone, especially my parents, to see any weakness in me.

This is why it's hard for me to be open. This is why I never confide really personal things to my parents. I feel like I should be capable on my own, and if I'm not, then I'm ashamed. I know it's stupid--obviously I can't be perfect, I can't do everything myself, and I should be able to depend on my parents. But what my head tells me and how I actually feel are two completely different things.

Thus I would never want my parents to see my blog. What if I posted something personal? What if they thought my random blogs sounded childish? What if they just didn't understand? I know they love me and support me, but I couldn't bear it if they were ashamed of me, even over something small and pointless. Yes I know that's dumb and that they are proud of me. But still.

I suppose my perfectionism and hesitancy to let anyone see my weaknesses is a manifestation of pride. It really is. And it's something I struggle with. But at the same time, another thing I struggle with is self-esteem. Go figure--pride AND low self-esteem. I'm some kind of wonder.

Really though. Most people wouldn't guess that I have self-esteem issues. I never really thought I did until recently. I'm so confident in some parts of my life; I'm not a quiet person, I do weird things, and I have opinions. I've never hated myself physically either. What I really struggle with is believing that people love me.

Again, I know this is silly. Of course my friends love me. Why would they call me and chat with me and encourage me and hang out with me if they didn't? But sometimes I wonder if I annoy them. I wonder if they are being nice to me just because they are nice people who take pity on me. I lack confidence in some of my relationships--I'm afraid to ask too many questions, or make too many phone calls. I honestly believe that people get sick of me after not too long.

Basically I'm afraid that I love my friends more than they love me. And because I have this fear, I'm made jealous very easily. And over the dumbest things! So then I realize I'm just being stupid, but I don't want anyone to know because that's a weakness. And we're right back where we started.

I'm trying to get better though. I'm trying to do things outside of my comfort zone. I'm trying to confide in people. But I still have a lot of work to do. And I'm easing into talking to my parents. We have a good bond from sharing good experiences, we're just bad at the confidence part of our relationship. But again--I'm working on it.

That doesn't mean I want them to read my blog though.