Lately

Lately I've been having random bouts of loneliness. I don't know if it's the whole BYU atmosphere, if it's just that I really miss the Native, or if I've reached that point in my life where my body is telling me I need a companion.

Does that even make sense?

I mean, I don't even believe in the whole "M-R-S" degree garbage. And I'm not even dating the Native--he's just my best friend. And who knows what my subconscious mind is doing. I have never been able to figure that one out.

So what is wrong with me? After "dating" (ahem, that was a total farce) Austin two years ago, I promised myself I would never rely on a man for happiness. I decided I could be happy with just myself. And it worked for a long time. I actual reveled in being single. Until.

The Native. But that didn't last long. Once he told me he is gay I knew we would just be friends, and I was fine with that. And so we are just friends. And I went back to being happy and satisfied with single life.

I guess it was different then though. Because the Native and I haven't dated, but I feel like our relationship is a lot more than dating would ever be. We are closer than that. Does that make sense? I rely on him, and he relies on me. He can read me like an open book, be it on the phone, over instant-messaging, or even via text. He knows how to make me smile and laugh. I love him to death. But we are just friends.

Out here in Provo, as I am on the lookout for a man who is boyfriend material (and is straight), I'm always disappointed. Maybe it's because I'm looking for someone who can give me what the Native gives me--a real relationship--one where physical attraction is merely a bonus if it's present at all (which in our case, it isn't). Basically, I want a man who can give me a friendship like the one I have with the Native, but who also happens to be an attractive straight man who is attracted to me.

Does such a man exist? I don't know. But with every passing day I become more and more convinced that gay men would make the best husbands. Too bad they aren't attracted to me. That's more than slightly problematic.

I don't know. I have a few straight guy friends that I find to be quite attractive (in personality as well as looks), but they just disappoint me. Why? They will make some distasteful comment and completely turn me off. Or they won't call me to hang out. Or they will seem interested one day and then not interested the next. Truth be told--I DON'T GET MEN. I don't get them in that I don't understand them, and I don't get them in that I don't have one, nor have I ever really had one.

This is wherein my frustration lies. I want a freaking man. I don't care if he's gay or straight. I want a man to call me, to ask me out on a date, to take me out and at least feign interest. I want to be able to have both deep and pointless conversations with him. I want him to not make guyish moronic comments. I want him to play with my hair and think that I'm hot.

I'm beginning to wonder if this is possible.

In the mean time, I will try to sleep off the loneliness.