You learn something new every day.

Of a more serious nature, but still just as good.

Monday, April 02, 2007

One of those days

This is really long. It could be boring.

I started feeling incredibly lonely at school today. I had no idea why. I wanted a friend so bad. Someone to realize I wasn't okay and that I needed a hug. I wanted a hug from the Native so bad--his hugs are amazing.

I quietly ate my lunch, and stared into my frozen lemonade as I slowly finished it. I posted on my private blog and nearly started crying right there in the Wilk, but was able to refrain.
Writing on my private blog helped me realize part of why I feel lonely. On Saturday I asked the Masseuse why he never calls us, and he said it's because he's an "introvert." He said he will hang out with people when they call, but he'd just as soon stay home by himself than call someone to hang out. And that really ticked me off. Why?

Well, back in the day when I was "dating" Austin, I was the one that made the weekly phone calls. When I came to Utah to visit, I was the one that planned our date together. And I was the one that called him on Valentine's Day. When I realized I was pulling all the weight in the relationship, I got really scared. What would happen if I stopped? Would he even make an effort to salvage our relationship? Did he even care?

I finally stopped calling him. And since then I haven't heard from him once. It was crushing at first--that I wasn't worth being in a relationship with. That he didn't even care about me. That he could let it go so easily. I felt so worthless, like there was something wrong with me; like no one would ever want to be in any form of relationship with me.

And so, even though I know the Masseuse enjoys being my friend, I couldn't help but wonder if he too would even put effort into our friendship if I stopped doing my part. And I wondered about PaperTowel as well. And I thought about other people that used to be my friends, and about how I've never managed to have a real boyfriend. And I suddenly felt worthless again, like I have some character flaw that is invisible only to me.

Obviously this is irrational thinking. I have a lot of friends who call me frequently to hang out, and who would be there for me in an instant had I the courage to ask. But no matter how much I told myself that, all I wanted was to be alone because human contact might result in me getting hurt. I was lonely and I wanted to be alone! What is that?!?!

I didn't want to go home, but I did anyway. For some reason I avoided my room. I made brownies and did some ironing. Da Jet could tell something was up, and asked me if I was okay. I just said something lame like it was a long day. I didn't want to talk to her about it.

What the heck is wrong with me? Why do I pretend like everything is okay? Why can't I ever open up to people? Da Jet would listen and would hold me while I cried, I know she would! She would give me a hug and would make me laugh. But I still can't do it!

The reason? I'm too effing embarrassed to let people see me cry. And I'm too embarrassed to explain to someone that I have trouble believing that anyone actually loves me. I'm afraid that they will see how weak I really am. In fact, not even the Native has seen me cry. He's the only one I've ever cried to online or over the phone, but he's also one of the only people I always believe when he says he loves me.

I don't know why I have so much trouble opening up to people. I have plenty of good friends I could go to for comfort, and yet I'm too embarrassed. What kind of a friend am I? I can't even trust them enough to talk to them! Why can't I just let people help me for once in my life?

And at the same time, this could just be because the gnomes have come for their monthly invasion.

Someone smack me.


Blogger salad said...

*HUGS* i've been in your shoes before and i know how much it hurts. if you ever need someone to lean on or talk to, please don't hesitate to contact me. i have a willing ear, a shoulder and lots of tissues. i wish i could give you a hug in person because it sounds like it would do you a world of good, but a cyber hug will have to suffice for now.

10:17 AM  

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