He likes me

Today was my last class for "The Bible as Literature." I thought it was appropriate of Professor Walker to end with us talking about the Gospels and the life of the Savior.

I was thinking about Samantha's post on being emotionally intimate and how I am afraid to share my weaknesses with others. I want people to think that I'm strong, that I'm funny, that I'm smart, that I'm confident, that I'm knowledgeable, etc. Part of that, I think, is that I'm afraid if people see my weaknesses they won't like me as much, or at all. I know that's silly, but it's true. So when Professor Walker shared the following experience with us I realized how emotionally intimate we are with the Savior--whether we like it or not.

He said it was during the most difficult time of his life. One night, he had a dream. He dreamed that he walked into the Church offices in Salt Lake, and barged right into the Christ's office. Here he was, storming through the doors of the office of the Savior of the World without an appointment. Jesus was there, talking with his secretary, and looked up at Professor Walker. "Those eyes," he told us, "were like nothing I had ever seen. He knew me, and what's more he liked me. He knew all of the secrets, all of the sleez and filth that I'm ashamed to even think of, and yet he liked me. He liked me more than anyone else had ever liked me--more than my mother, more than my wife--He loved me."

And that made me think--Christ knows me. I can hide all of my weaknesses from everyone else, but he knows them. And he still likes me! He still loves me more than anything. He really will be my advocate at the last day--when I'm ashamed of the things I did wrong, he'll be there to point out the things I did right.

Maybe we are better than we think.

self therapy

I don't have very much faith in my friends. It's really sad, and sort of pathetic actually.

If you are my friend, I will believe it as long as we are in contact very often. I expect my friends to call/email/contact me in some way without me instigating it. If they don't--if I am the only doing all the work, or if neither of us is doing any work--I fear that they aren't my friends. I honestly let myself believe that I was annoying enough to make them run away.

It's stupid really. I let myself think someone isn't my friend anymore because they don't call me. And then they call and I feel really dumb and do the whole facepalm+"d'oh!!" thing. I never learn.

And it happens with almost everyone. There are only a few people with whom it doesn't happen, and I have no idea why.

This certainly doesn't mean you all should call me more often so that I feel like I have friends. What this means is that I need to have a little more faith in others and in myself.

*sigh*

One of those days

This is really long. It could be boring.

I started feeling incredibly lonely at school today. I had no idea why. I wanted a friend so bad. Someone to realize I wasn't okay and that I needed a hug. I wanted a hug from the Native so bad--his hugs are amazing.

I quietly ate my lunch, and stared into my frozen lemonade as I slowly finished it. I posted on my private blog and nearly started crying right there in the Wilk, but was able to refrain.
Writing on my private blog helped me realize part of why I feel lonely. On Saturday I asked the Masseuse why he never calls us, and he said it's because he's an "introvert." He said he will hang out with people when they call, but he'd just as soon stay home by himself than call someone to hang out. And that really ticked me off. Why?

Well, back in the day when I was "dating" Austin, I was the one that made the weekly phone calls. When I came to Utah to visit, I was the one that planned our date together. And I was the one that called him on Valentine's Day. When I realized I was pulling all the weight in the relationship, I got really scared. What would happen if I stopped? Would he even make an effort to salvage our relationship? Did he even care?

I finally stopped calling him. And since then I haven't heard from him once. It was crushing at first--that I wasn't worth being in a relationship with. That he didn't even care about me. That he could let it go so easily. I felt so worthless, like there was something wrong with me; like no one would ever want to be in any form of relationship with me.

And so, even though I know the Masseuse enjoys being my friend, I couldn't help but wonder if he too would even put effort into our friendship if I stopped doing my part. And I wondered about PaperTowel as well. And I thought about other people that used to be my friends, and about how I've never managed to have a real boyfriend. And I suddenly felt worthless again, like I have some character flaw that is invisible only to me.

Obviously this is irrational thinking. I have a lot of friends who call me frequently to hang out, and who would be there for me in an instant had I the courage to ask. But no matter how much I told myself that, all I wanted was to be alone because human contact might result in me getting hurt. I was lonely and I wanted to be alone! What is that?!?!

I didn't want to go home, but I did anyway. For some reason I avoided my room. I made brownies and did some ironing. Da Jet could tell something was up, and asked me if I was okay. I just said something lame like it was a long day. I didn't want to talk to her about it.

What the heck is wrong with me? Why do I pretend like everything is okay? Why can't I ever open up to people? Da Jet would listen and would hold me while I cried, I know she would! She would give me a hug and would make me laugh. But I still can't do it!

The reason? I'm too effing embarrassed to let people see me cry. And I'm too embarrassed to explain to someone that I have trouble believing that anyone actually loves me. I'm afraid that they will see how weak I really am. In fact, not even the Native has seen me cry. He's the only one I've ever cried to online or over the phone, but he's also one of the only people I always believe when he says he loves me.

I don't know why I have so much trouble opening up to people. I have plenty of good friends I could go to for comfort, and yet I'm too embarrassed. What kind of a friend am I? I can't even trust them enough to talk to them! Why can't I just let people help me for once in my life?

And at the same time, this could just be because the gnomes have come for their monthly invasion.

Someone smack me.

Lately

Lately I've been having random bouts of loneliness. I don't know if it's the whole BYU atmosphere, if it's just that I really miss the Native, or if I've reached that point in my life where my body is telling me I need a companion.

Does that even make sense?

I mean, I don't even believe in the whole "M-R-S" degree garbage. And I'm not even dating the Native--he's just my best friend. And who knows what my subconscious mind is doing. I have never been able to figure that one out.

So what is wrong with me? After "dating" (ahem, that was a total farce) Austin two years ago, I promised myself I would never rely on a man for happiness. I decided I could be happy with just myself. And it worked for a long time. I actual reveled in being single. Until.

The Native. But that didn't last long. Once he told me he is gay I knew we would just be friends, and I was fine with that. And so we are just friends. And I went back to being happy and satisfied with single life.

I guess it was different then though. Because the Native and I haven't dated, but I feel like our relationship is a lot more than dating would ever be. We are closer than that. Does that make sense? I rely on him, and he relies on me. He can read me like an open book, be it on the phone, over instant-messaging, or even via text. He knows how to make me smile and laugh. I love him to death. But we are just friends.

Out here in Provo, as I am on the lookout for a man who is boyfriend material (and is straight), I'm always disappointed. Maybe it's because I'm looking for someone who can give me what the Native gives me--a real relationship--one where physical attraction is merely a bonus if it's present at all (which in our case, it isn't). Basically, I want a man who can give me a friendship like the one I have with the Native, but who also happens to be an attractive straight man who is attracted to me.

Does such a man exist? I don't know. But with every passing day I become more and more convinced that gay men would make the best husbands. Too bad they aren't attracted to me. That's more than slightly problematic.

I don't know. I have a few straight guy friends that I find to be quite attractive (in personality as well as looks), but they just disappoint me. Why? They will make some distasteful comment and completely turn me off. Or they won't call me to hang out. Or they will seem interested one day and then not interested the next. Truth be told--I DON'T GET MEN. I don't get them in that I don't understand them, and I don't get them in that I don't have one, nor have I ever really had one.

This is wherein my frustration lies. I want a freaking man. I don't care if he's gay or straight. I want a man to call me, to ask me out on a date, to take me out and at least feign interest. I want to be able to have both deep and pointless conversations with him. I want him to not make guyish moronic comments. I want him to play with my hair and think that I'm hot.

I'm beginning to wonder if this is possible.

In the mean time, I will try to sleep off the loneliness.

It's over

After some nasty email exchanges, Roommate C and I talked it out. It was pretty quick, and ended with a hug.

She also sent me a really nice email today apologizing for her sarcastic reaction to my letter.

I feel so much better about this situation. I'm really glad we talked to her about it.

Looking back, I would do it again. However, I'm still afraid of confrontation. Even though the situation worked out, it was really rocky.

I guess I'm just a wimp.